Dear God, my mind is spinning, I have come to this place many times before, not sure whether I should fight or run, humble myself or stand tall, be there for someone or save my heart, love or let go.
I have felt this way about different positions, about jobs that didn't seem to fill the void in my heart, but not knowing if that was a selfish way of looking at the world or you speaking to me telling me that it was time to seek answers elsewhere.
I have felt this in my day today existence, a restlessness that I wrestle with, trying to make sense of why I feel so pulled in the opposite directions. Forever wondering if that's the voice in my head or you.
I have felt this in most of my relationships.
Not knowing when I have reached the final straw. Unsure whether you're cautioning me to guard my heart and walk away unscathed or if I'm supposed to be selfless and love like you even when I sacrifice myself in the process.
You've taught me to love others, this is written in your word and it's been pressed onto my heart since I was born and received you in my life as my personal lord and savior. You've blessed me with the ability to love and I want to love.
Buy how am I supposed to know when enough is enough?
How can I tell a person's true emotions and whether their relationship is worth my time, effort and attention especially when it starts to hurt?
How do I know you are here and that falling for this person is the right choice or not? Do I even choose to fall for the person?
How are my supposed to know how to love imperfect people with my own imperfect heart? And when this imperfection males itself apparent, how will I know whether to stay or leave?
Lord how......?
How does anyone know?
How do we know?
In some ways we don't.
We won't be given the answer in the way we expect. We won't know what we're getting into from the start or see the entire future mapped out in front of us. That's the risk we take in love isn't it?
But that doesn't mean you aren't present God. That doesn't mean you aren't there.
So I ask that you how me. Show me a silver lining of your plan. Show me my next step.
When I fall into a relationship, I see forever stretched out in front of me, bother terrifying and beautiful.
I see future plans, future happiness, I imagine myself intertwined with someone else but as this life brings conflicts, the image distorts. That image gets blurry and suddenly I don't feel so sure.
Suddenly I question whether this relationship is the one I am supposed to be in.
You've taught me that I deserve a love that shines like you, but the person my heart is drawn to is only human. I can't expect perfection. And yet I can't settle for a love that isn't right. A love that hurts.
But aren't you supposed to love, show forgiveness, be patient and selfless and all things you have taught ME?
But what about myself?
Is this what you want for me?
Is staying with this person the right choice?
IA holding on a better choice? Because I'm giving them what they need? Because we're fighting to stay together and to love better and that's what relationships are all about?
Or is there someone better out there for me? Am I hurting myself trying to love someone who isn't in the place to love right now? Should I stay or go?
In this moment please let me hear you, please show me the ways you are guiding me, loving me and standing beside me. Show me the ways to love like you. To be humble and selfless, forgiving and kind.
Show me how to care for someone outside myself without worrying about what's happening to me.
But also shoe me when I am losing myself to build someone and when this job is too big for me to shoulder on my own.
God put aside my selfishness and help me see what you've placed in front of me. Help me to see whether this person's intentions are sincere or whether they are only looking out for themselves.
Help me see beyond face value, beyond my attraction, beyond the entanglings of my heart. How me where you are in this relationship. Whether or not you're present and what my next step should be.
Show me that I don't have to keep a checklist of all the rights and wrongs. Show me that I don't need to worry whether I'm doing too much because you see all that I'm doing and that's what really matters. Show me how Love should be and if I'm in a place of toxicity give me strength to walk away.
Gives way heart peace and resilience. Give me quiet moments to turn to you in prayer. Give me wisdom to see outside what's in front of me to the big picture and help me determine whether the love I'm giving and receiving is on the right path.
Help me see if this relationship is worthy and if I have done all I can and must salvage the broken pieces of myself and move on.
Remind me that sometimes the most painful things are the right things that fighting with and for someone will only hurt and heal.
And if I end up broken, no matter the end result, remind me that pain isn't a part of your plan and that I can turn to you to bring me to my feet again.
God give me wisdom. The wisdom to discern whether this relationship is right. The wisdom to see this person for who they really are. The wisdom to know whether I have done enough, done too little, done things selfishly or need to do more.
Give me the wisdom to forgive, to heal, to love, to continue in whatever direction you point me.
Speak truth to my heart Lord and knowledge to my head. Show me whether I should stay or leave. And help me to be led by your word not the beating of my heart.
Give me wisdom father. Lead me through your word and Spirit. Not by me listening to my heart beat but by you Jesus. Only you Father. Speak to me and let me hear you this day father for you are LOVE.
Your daughter
Haryet.
