Mourning

Have you ever mourned what you never had?
You think you had it, but the reality is it was never there.
We think we have friendships going on or relationships or even pregnancies or a job, but they have never really existed.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick... Proverbs"
My heart detected a threat, my mind down played it.
Ooh how well packaged it was and still is, yet it's not what it says it is.

I have tried to find good in this but this time I have failed, it's all a scam, an empty shell that needed to fix it's self.
I am angry. Mad and disappointed. Maybe I don't have to be but I am.
I hate "fake" and worst of all, I hate it when "fake"  makes me feel worthless and useless.
When I allow you to get into my life,  it's a privilege for me to know another soul and the mistake I make is to trust you completely,
I don't know how to write this. I don't like that my heart is in this state that I can't even  clearly express myself.
I am mourning something that I thought I had but really never had.  A friend. "

Not the Board Again

"Not the Board again Haryet, I am tired of looking at the white board." Said one of the youth.
OK.... Puzzled at her statement and facial expression, I asked for the board to be hidden.
"I go to school so they can say, she went to school." said another youth
"school is boring Haryet." said another youth.

I walk into my office and there they are seated.  I asked them what they were doing here and why they are not at school.
"We are home haryet and we are tired of school " they said.

What is going on with" formal school"?  What exactly is happening there.
Has it lost its value or have the youth been suppressed.?
I think it is time to use the Board of Nature to teach.
After that discussion, it led me to ask what they really wanted. Many of them wanted to watch movies.
Yes movies.

I was surprised too,  see acting is not taught in school neither is it celebrated at all yet we all love movies.
Right now "Queen of katwe" is being watched by almost everyone apart from me, when I asked them what movie they wanted to watch, they mentioned it.

Isn't it time to teach youth more than just the white board does?
What is the difference between Talent, gifts, passion and profession?

A Letter to Me.

Haryet,
By the way, what date could it be today?
Well, I also thought so, buy does it have to be April 23rd before I can appreciate God for a life special that He brought into this world?
A life that has barely lived for itself but others, a life full of love with deeds that remind me that God never rested, there are hearts and hands He still uses and works through.

Haryet,
Thank you for putting a smile on my face, thank you for putting smiles on many faces.
If I were asked to define friendship, I would simply pick you and present you. Because within you, I discovered the true meaning of friendship.
You Never cease to amaze me because your love still glows even when you are angry. 
People rarely treasure the gifts they have in their hands but with you it's hard because your love shines so bright that everyone notices.
I may not be able to celebrate your birth, but definitely, you have given me a reason to always celebrate your life.
Surely good and perfect gifts only come from above, and where else could you have come from but above?
You  will never know how many lives you have blessed. But allow me represent them all by saying THANK YOU.
Enjoy your life, from Davis S. G, with LOVE.

Let it Be

"What kind of music plays in your heart when you learn that part of loving is knowing when to allow another to walk away?" asked Alan Jones.
I will tell you what kind: The sweet and painful little aria "Let it be"

That song is playing in my heart. The sweet and painful song... "Let it  be?"  what does that even mean? Is there such a thing as let it be? 
At this moment it is more painful than sweet. This one hit me so hard I didn't expect it but who again ever expects such pain.
Those who participate in change must participate in death... I suck at transitions and change is painful for me. It is death.

Death of a friend, a sentiment or an attachment something connected to you dies and definitely something in you dies.
Through this I have learnt that there is always life after death.
During the time of that change and death, life is evolving, there is something new sprouting out of the person experiencing death. You can't be the same as you were before. You become new. Completely new somehow.

I also learnt that because there are changes every single second, there is death every single second and therefore there is new life every second too.
That said, the art of learning to dance to the tune of pain and sweet is a continuous process because it is part of our life and that makes the tune "Let it be"  make more sense.

"Let it be" to me right now sounds like breath, a part of me that I can not control or even comprehend.
"Let it be"  is a reckless move made by the one who actually let it be. God.
I have come to the end of my rope, I am done trying to let it be I am dropping it and just falling knowing the one that Let it be will catch me, hold me because I know His arms are always underneath.
I will "Let it be"

Owe.... Seriously.

When people talk about jobs and work, it's usually a burden, a source of income, a survival tool or a hustling den.

When people talk about bosses, they are a pain in the wrong places, someone to please, a superior with high powers unquestionable, The Boss.... They not humans favorite species yet they are humans too.

When people talk about their professions, it's written with well defined titles and carries loads and loads of weight. Terms used can be scary especially if the field is not familiar to you.

When people talk about youth, they are "horror actors"  parents have their own definition of teenagers, sometimes they say that age group of a wasted stage wait word used is "damaged"  I think or adolescence is disturbing them, parents call them headache . Let's just say very few people have nice things to say about this age bracket.
If not lazy then rebellious or indicipline .. Not so cool right.

Seriously, the youth I have known, a rare group of kids "refugee youth"  from different backgrounds, culture and religion come together as a group and form a family "I go the Mile".
Resilience is embedded into their souls. They have gone through immeasurable pain, stood the test of being called names, watched their parents slaughtered, sisters and brothers snatched away from the cruelty of humanity, the only survivor alive among his family members in another country, at 17years..... Yet with all that on his mind He still stands and says He has Hope and he knows his family is proud of him wherever they are...

That is just one of the many teenagers I am proud to be working with, it alters my perspective of them leaves me in owe.....seriously..

Seriously, I am in Owe... I am overwhelmed not only to be surrounded by such amazing young people  but to have bosses who are the opposite of many bosses... They are COOL.. BBE (Best Bosses Ever).
I have no job description, I do what God tells me to do and he has blessed me so much that my work is embedded in him.

Aaaaaahhhh.... Seriously.. I am in Owe.
Of his Love and goodness. His healing power and restoration.
His Amazing Grace. He is Love.
He has spoken the language all creation yearns for and yet many do not understand.
The language is too sweet, too good, strange to the world around us, the noise around us. He has spoken to these teenagers and moulded them into who He wants them to be regardless of what they have gone through.

They are living to tell those stories to many,. To testify of his saving power. Of his unfailing love and of the fact that he skillfully crafted all human stages for his purpose. These teenagers are different, my work is different, My bosses are different and I am different because of CHRIST....

Losing Me

When I glimpse a hummingbird in my tulips, can I call up my gladness and spend some time with it?
A Stern voice in me says, how wasteful what if you don't get anything done?
I ask, Can  allow myself to feel the pain of a relationship that needs rekindling? No, the voice says, stifle it and pretend. Rocked boats tip over.
So I ask, what about the anger inside?  Can I feel it? And the voice says it's not nice to be angry.
Then I ask, when I am scared and hurting, can I open my soul and let someone peer way down inside? And it says, keep a stiff upper lip. Bury it.
When I live with those answers long enough, I can no longer connect to my real feelings. I lose my ability to relate to myself and others from a genuine place.
I Lose Myself.

Copied from SUE MONK KIDD.

DISGUISED PRIDE

Pride, like Satan, is the master of disguise. We see the overly proud whose acts so obvious in his haughty attitude as better, looks down on the afflicted, and expects to reign.
We see him and find him DISTURBING because he amplifies what is hidden in us, though we think "what a Jerk! 
If only we could get a good look at himself from the outside!" However he is blond and proud of his nakedness.
What I want to talk about is DISGUISED PRIDE. Something much more insidious.

Do you know that depression is usually disguised pride that occurs as a person reacts to the blow of the realisation that he cannot be perfect, control himself and others, or do any matter of a good job of imitating God?

Self hatred is Pride for how can one hate self unless he has fallen from the lofty image he had of his own flesh.
Self depreciation can be pride. "ooh.... I cannot do that, no one likes me, I am too stupid and have never succeeded in anything, God could never use me!"
Just how much time does a self depreciating person spend thinking about himself?
Victimization is pride
"ooh... Let me tell you what they said to me. How could anyone say that? How could anyone be so unkind? "
" I got cheated, the family took my money. Do you think I deserve to be treated that way?
Being offended is pride. Does one really think that his flesh is too wonderful that it needs defending?
There is Inferiority, that definitely is pride.  The inferior have spent so much time looking for good in themselves that eventually they find the bad. If they know good, they will know evil.
Jealousy, hating ones unrighteousness, obsession on failure and rejection, the feeling that someone does not observe anything.
Expecting the worst, being negative all the time.
LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF PRIDE AND SEE IF THE ABOVE IS TRUE IN YOUR HEART!

See how it is the master of Disguise?
Message about SELF.
SELF=SIN=PRIDE!!

Most of the things mentioned here are reactions of some kind. Reactions to how people make us feel usually what they do or say.
I have been there done and still doing and feeling all those. Reacting in that same fashion sometimes the I remember,  I am not perfect, no one is.
I have learnt, no one is perfect we should never expect people to be perfect, only with Love are we able to forgive, only with love are we able to lay ourselves down for the master to cleanse our hearts, only with love are we able to watch our reactions towards what has been said or done, only with love are we able to lift up our hearts and ask our father to lead us in the way everlasting.
Because Pride (Sin) entered the world and yet in Christ we are dead to sin. Only with Love our sins were washed away.
We Love because He first loved us. We do not know how to Love the one who loves us teaches us how to Love and ooooohhh my dear, it is a continuous process, continually reminded that My life is not my own for me to Iive is Christ.
He lives in me.
He is my master
My everything
The air I breath
I do nothing on my own because I am nothing without God.
He resists the  PROUD.... LOVE WINS ALWAYS!

PARTY OF THIS IS A BORROWERD MESSAGE THAT WORKED MY HEART AND SET ME TO PRAY, PSALM 139:23-24.

"SEARCH ME OH.... GOD AND KNOW MY HEART, TRY ME AND KNOW MY ANXIETIES AND SEE IF THERE IS ANY WICKED WAY IN ME, AND LEAD ME TO THE WAY EVERLASTING. "

Opened Wild Rose.

I have a lot I want to talk about, there are so many things I am learning and want to share.

Today I went for a training on  "family life challenges". I didn't know what to expect but I know I am not a fun of "professional counseling" but this lady made   a statement that  opened me up. She said..
"It's not always as it is written in the book, you learn while doing".
I actually sat up straight in my chair and enjoyed the training and I realized it was really for me.

"Self sufficiency is a sin... " I learnt that along the way. I used to think I didn't need anybody and I can do bad all by myself. Well I was wrong and even now that I continue to learn sometimes it comes up until I remember " independence is a scam" we need people in our lives and we depend on people for support in one way or another.
We need each other.
I need my friends

When we are recklessly abandoned, we are Opened. Just like a seal on anything when opened it can get sealed again.
When we are open we are to be used, makes us weak, makes us empty and makes us useless.
In that state we realise and are aware of who we are and since we are there,  we need each other. I need my friends.

I am broken, I was ashamed of my brokenness. I still feel the Shame sometimes but exposing my shame makes me weak yet draws help to me.

I  am opened up to be used, to be emptied to be corrected, to be what God wants me to be. This can only happen when  I am empty so that the Spirit fills me and uses me.

The major thing that I have learnt today is that I am afraid CHANGE, of transition, changes and phases of growth. Change is inevitable but my reaction to change is always a struggle.
Intimacy means attachment and I easily get attached losing that attachment and accepting changes that might occur leave me "paralysed" 
This is a big deal for me to realise everything changes,  seasons change, people change the one thing that is eternal and constant is God(Love).
Exposing this is going to help me deal with it and adjust that I have no doubt and I am work in progress.

I am Opened. I need my friends and i am not ashamed of my brokenness and need. I am going to be wild and free because I am Opened.  For he who the son has set free is free indeed.
I am Opened.

Recklessly abandoned (it's painful)

Friendships are interesting. we have friends, many have different meanings of friendships ans different ways to veiw friends.
We all have our own definition of friends and sadly most times our expectations define friends for us.

I must confess that this area has not been smooth for me. i am puzzled not sure if i am the one "not doing it right" i have failed my friends in many ways and they have failed me too. And usually i loss tjem forever.

Before i used not to care that i might be losing them,well not sure that is totally gone either but i always wonder if we are  just losing the true essence of friendship which to me is "Recklessness".
Friendship is not determined by how long people have known each other,is it? i am not sure but i think friendship is determined by people who recklessly abondon themselves to each other. Be stupid with each other,embrace each other just the way they are.

That said, it doesnt mean all you will do is laugh about your silliness but you will fight too as you embrace each others differences . i am a package wraped up both good and evil. i can be really evil and i am not proud of me at that time bit thats why we have friends because then they make us better people are ae learn from each other.

Recklessness is not celebrated  but i have chosen to take that path. i have abandoned myself to friends before but it was accompanied with pride. i am lossing me and i want to recklessly abandon my self in love. even when it is not my fault i will say sorry. Even when i know the explanations given by my friends are in their defence i will accept it. Even when i dont understand why they dont understand me i will stick around i do all this because a friend made a sacrifice for me too, He recklessly abandoned himself so i can live and He can live  in me too.

Yes it hurts to recklessly abandon myslef,it makes me vulnerable, many times my pride wants to step in then i remember what my friend did for me ooohh.....it is not fun at that moment.

This is where i am right now. This is the place i am at. Right now i am learning to humble myself in recklessness.  Love is reckless, makes me very weak yet very strong. RECKLESSLY ABANDONED. the state of my heart.

My friends are the people God has placed my way,