Owe.... Seriously.

When people talk about jobs and work, it's usually a burden, a source of income, a survival tool or a hustling den.

When people talk about bosses, they are a pain in the wrong places, someone to please, a superior with high powers unquestionable, The Boss.... They not humans favorite species yet they are humans too.

When people talk about their professions, it's written with well defined titles and carries loads and loads of weight. Terms used can be scary especially if the field is not familiar to you.

When people talk about youth, they are "horror actors"  parents have their own definition of teenagers, sometimes they say that age group of a wasted stage wait word used is "damaged"  I think or adolescence is disturbing them, parents call them headache . Let's just say very few people have nice things to say about this age bracket.
If not lazy then rebellious or indicipline .. Not so cool right.

Seriously, the youth I have known, a rare group of kids "refugee youth"  from different backgrounds, culture and religion come together as a group and form a family "I go the Mile".
Resilience is embedded into their souls. They have gone through immeasurable pain, stood the test of being called names, watched their parents slaughtered, sisters and brothers snatched away from the cruelty of humanity, the only survivor alive among his family members in another country, at 17years..... Yet with all that on his mind He still stands and says He has Hope and he knows his family is proud of him wherever they are...

That is just one of the many teenagers I am proud to be working with, it alters my perspective of them leaves me in owe.....seriously..

Seriously, I am in Owe... I am overwhelmed not only to be surrounded by such amazing young people  but to have bosses who are the opposite of many bosses... They are COOL.. BBE (Best Bosses Ever).
I have no job description, I do what God tells me to do and he has blessed me so much that my work is embedded in him.

Aaaaaahhhh.... Seriously.. I am in Owe.
Of his Love and goodness. His healing power and restoration.
His Amazing Grace. He is Love.
He has spoken the language all creation yearns for and yet many do not understand.
The language is too sweet, too good, strange to the world around us, the noise around us. He has spoken to these teenagers and moulded them into who He wants them to be regardless of what they have gone through.

They are living to tell those stories to many,. To testify of his saving power. Of his unfailing love and of the fact that he skillfully crafted all human stages for his purpose. These teenagers are different, my work is different, My bosses are different and I am different because of CHRIST....

Losing Me

When I glimpse a hummingbird in my tulips, can I call up my gladness and spend some time with it?
A Stern voice in me says, how wasteful what if you don't get anything done?
I ask, Can  allow myself to feel the pain of a relationship that needs rekindling? No, the voice says, stifle it and pretend. Rocked boats tip over.
So I ask, what about the anger inside?  Can I feel it? And the voice says it's not nice to be angry.
Then I ask, when I am scared and hurting, can I open my soul and let someone peer way down inside? And it says, keep a stiff upper lip. Bury it.
When I live with those answers long enough, I can no longer connect to my real feelings. I lose my ability to relate to myself and others from a genuine place.
I Lose Myself.

Copied from SUE MONK KIDD.

DISGUISED PRIDE

Pride, like Satan, is the master of disguise. We see the overly proud whose acts so obvious in his haughty attitude as better, looks down on the afflicted, and expects to reign.
We see him and find him DISTURBING because he amplifies what is hidden in us, though we think "what a Jerk! 
If only we could get a good look at himself from the outside!" However he is blond and proud of his nakedness.
What I want to talk about is DISGUISED PRIDE. Something much more insidious.

Do you know that depression is usually disguised pride that occurs as a person reacts to the blow of the realisation that he cannot be perfect, control himself and others, or do any matter of a good job of imitating God?

Self hatred is Pride for how can one hate self unless he has fallen from the lofty image he had of his own flesh.
Self depreciation can be pride. "ooh.... I cannot do that, no one likes me, I am too stupid and have never succeeded in anything, God could never use me!"
Just how much time does a self depreciating person spend thinking about himself?
Victimization is pride
"ooh... Let me tell you what they said to me. How could anyone say that? How could anyone be so unkind? "
" I got cheated, the family took my money. Do you think I deserve to be treated that way?
Being offended is pride. Does one really think that his flesh is too wonderful that it needs defending?
There is Inferiority, that definitely is pride.  The inferior have spent so much time looking for good in themselves that eventually they find the bad. If they know good, they will know evil.
Jealousy, hating ones unrighteousness, obsession on failure and rejection, the feeling that someone does not observe anything.
Expecting the worst, being negative all the time.
LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF PRIDE AND SEE IF THE ABOVE IS TRUE IN YOUR HEART!

See how it is the master of Disguise?
Message about SELF.
SELF=SIN=PRIDE!!

Most of the things mentioned here are reactions of some kind. Reactions to how people make us feel usually what they do or say.
I have been there done and still doing and feeling all those. Reacting in that same fashion sometimes the I remember,  I am not perfect, no one is.
I have learnt, no one is perfect we should never expect people to be perfect, only with Love are we able to forgive, only with love are we able to lay ourselves down for the master to cleanse our hearts, only with love are we able to watch our reactions towards what has been said or done, only with love are we able to lift up our hearts and ask our father to lead us in the way everlasting.
Because Pride (Sin) entered the world and yet in Christ we are dead to sin. Only with Love our sins were washed away.
We Love because He first loved us. We do not know how to Love the one who loves us teaches us how to Love and ooooohhh my dear, it is a continuous process, continually reminded that My life is not my own for me to Iive is Christ.
He lives in me.
He is my master
My everything
The air I breath
I do nothing on my own because I am nothing without God.
He resists the  PROUD.... LOVE WINS ALWAYS!

PARTY OF THIS IS A BORROWERD MESSAGE THAT WORKED MY HEART AND SET ME TO PRAY, PSALM 139:23-24.

"SEARCH ME OH.... GOD AND KNOW MY HEART, TRY ME AND KNOW MY ANXIETIES AND SEE IF THERE IS ANY WICKED WAY IN ME, AND LEAD ME TO THE WAY EVERLASTING. "

Opened Wild Rose.

I have a lot I want to talk about, there are so many things I am learning and want to share.

Today I went for a training on  "family life challenges". I didn't know what to expect but I know I am not a fun of "professional counseling" but this lady made   a statement that  opened me up. She said..
"It's not always as it is written in the book, you learn while doing".
I actually sat up straight in my chair and enjoyed the training and I realized it was really for me.

"Self sufficiency is a sin... " I learnt that along the way. I used to think I didn't need anybody and I can do bad all by myself. Well I was wrong and even now that I continue to learn sometimes it comes up until I remember " independence is a scam" we need people in our lives and we depend on people for support in one way or another.
We need each other.
I need my friends

When we are recklessly abandoned, we are Opened. Just like a seal on anything when opened it can get sealed again.
When we are open we are to be used, makes us weak, makes us empty and makes us useless.
In that state we realise and are aware of who we are and since we are there,  we need each other. I need my friends.

I am broken, I was ashamed of my brokenness. I still feel the Shame sometimes but exposing my shame makes me weak yet draws help to me.

I  am opened up to be used, to be emptied to be corrected, to be what God wants me to be. This can only happen when  I am empty so that the Spirit fills me and uses me.

The major thing that I have learnt today is that I am afraid CHANGE, of transition, changes and phases of growth. Change is inevitable but my reaction to change is always a struggle.
Intimacy means attachment and I easily get attached losing that attachment and accepting changes that might occur leave me "paralysed" 
This is a big deal for me to realise everything changes,  seasons change, people change the one thing that is eternal and constant is God(Love).
Exposing this is going to help me deal with it and adjust that I have no doubt and I am work in progress.

I am Opened. I need my friends and i am not ashamed of my brokenness and need. I am going to be wild and free because I am Opened.  For he who the son has set free is free indeed.
I am Opened.

Recklessly abandoned (it's painful)

Friendships are interesting. we have friends, many have different meanings of friendships ans different ways to veiw friends.
We all have our own definition of friends and sadly most times our expectations define friends for us.

I must confess that this area has not been smooth for me. i am puzzled not sure if i am the one "not doing it right" i have failed my friends in many ways and they have failed me too. And usually i loss tjem forever.

Before i used not to care that i might be losing them,well not sure that is totally gone either but i always wonder if we are  just losing the true essence of friendship which to me is "Recklessness".
Friendship is not determined by how long people have known each other,is it? i am not sure but i think friendship is determined by people who recklessly abondon themselves to each other. Be stupid with each other,embrace each other just the way they are.

That said, it doesnt mean all you will do is laugh about your silliness but you will fight too as you embrace each others differences . i am a package wraped up both good and evil. i can be really evil and i am not proud of me at that time bit thats why we have friends because then they make us better people are ae learn from each other.

Recklessness is not celebrated  but i have chosen to take that path. i have abandoned myself to friends before but it was accompanied with pride. i am lossing me and i want to recklessly abandon my self in love. even when it is not my fault i will say sorry. Even when i know the explanations given by my friends are in their defence i will accept it. Even when i dont understand why they dont understand me i will stick around i do all this because a friend made a sacrifice for me too, He recklessly abandoned himself so i can live and He can live  in me too.

Yes it hurts to recklessly abandon myslef,it makes me vulnerable, many times my pride wants to step in then i remember what my friend did for me ooohh.....it is not fun at that moment.

This is where i am right now. This is the place i am at. Right now i am learning to humble myself in recklessness.  Love is reckless, makes me very weak yet very strong. RECKLESSLY ABANDONED. the state of my heart.

My friends are the people God has placed my way,

Different doesn’t mean Better

Just because we are different in so many ways doesn't mean you are better in anyway.
Different is good, you say you accept our difference and yet you work to change me, you strive to see me be like you.
You want me to act like you do, do what you do, how then will that be celebrating difference?
If you say you agree with diversity yet you constantly remind me that I am inferior and you are superior.
That your ways are better than mine.
That you are first class and I and second.
Is being different accepted by you?
You want me to accept the difference but you do not accept the difference.
You say it in different languages, different styles you call yourself developed and I am developing.
You call yourself rich and I am poor.
Your standard of living High and mine low.
Your quality high and mine low.
You always think your way is right and my way is wrong.
Just because you/we are different doesn’t mean your way is better.

Being different means we work together impact each other, focusing on the similarities we have because those seem to be the core of life.
Regardless of the differences, our small veins in the eye is the same.
Regardless of the differences blood is red. We all have blood running through our bodies and veins.
We all have a heart that beats and pumps that blood.
We all enjoy a good meal and laughter soothes our souls
We all visit the toilet and find rest after using it.
How about we focus on the similarities and not the differences.
The similarities are eternal, they never change. The differences are external and very temporary prone to change Anytime.

HEART IMPLANT "SURGERY"

Roses are bound to bloom and fade. Regardless of the circumstances, a rose never revokes it's beauty.
Sometimes pain hurts so much we blame others. I choose to go through the pain and blame nobody. It is my cross to carry, my cup to bear. A replacement for what wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.

There are many things people never want to talk about yet they are core issues that affect their lives in very many different ways. I am a "testimony"  not quite sure what that means but my heart bore different aspects of hatred either caused by the community I like in, what I was taught in school, what I saw or heard from different people. I created a "place of hate"  in my heart.
We can lie to everyone else but we can not lie to ourselves. I say this because I know and I have been there.
Words like "men are dogs", "men control women "and many others I heard made me detest and resent men.
Studying African nationalism in school brought out the beast in me the hate for white people.
These two elements were part of me that I often talked about but not quite however, action speaks louder than words, I acted it out clearly and there are people who are nodding to this because they tasted the wrath that came out of me. I did lose friends because of this and boy ooh boy... I did not care one bit. Little did I know I was to be "cleansed"  it wasn't fun. IT WASN'T FUN AT ALL, but it was worth it.

Yes pain hurts most when your pride is being stepped on. I want to call the next part "SURGERY".
This was a heart in plant.
Two in one.... Serious surgery.
We meet people all the time, very many people as a matter of fact yet we get connected with some and for some it goes beyond a connection as if you were ment to meet.
You do not plan to meet them and if possible you  try to fight all odds of having to meet them. Then when you Meet them they are the exact opposite of what you ever what to see yet you desire to touch them, hug them, hold their hands and the desire is so strong, yes very strong, who can explain these desires? As if to complete  apiece of story that was missing.
Ooh how I fought with every cell, vessels and muscle within him. The feeling in my heart. Vulnerable, weak yet happy for what was standing before me what what I had never ever wanted yet that which I never ever wanted a combination of Man and White had caught my eye and heart.
I was paralysed and weak. I was speechless, I became mad and angry but I was on the Surgery table. There was an in plant going on switching my hard heart of hatred to another unfamiliar heart of love. These two were too strong for me so I "died"  become numb. Surrendered myself to the works of the surgeon. I was like a zombie nobody understood me and neither did I understand myself. I allowed the new heart implant to love not sure I would be Loved back but that wasn't what this new heart was for, it's duty was to love and for some reason she felt loved back.
I got out of the Surgery new, different and healed, my pride lost and gone. The surgery took a really long time.
After the Surgery the person had to go and leave as if to test how firm my heart would be and yes it hurt that I had lost him but it made sense to me why I had me him. He was the right ingredient the surgeon needed to give me a new heart.
My heart has opened. Wide open with passion taking in whatever and whoever came my way just as they are without hesitation. It seems strange and yet true. After meeting so many people the natural reaction usually is to close up to protect myself and  here I am open wide can't close this new heart. Feels like freedom, feels like life with no hesitations or apologies, life lived without fear without holding back knowing maybe this could be the last time I would be seeing these people loving them recklessly.

The new heart implant wasn't my decision. All humans are part of a story that's only told by the story teller. The story teller is Passionate about his story and I hope we all realize that his story has a lot to do with "SURGERY".  HEART IMPLANT.