The state of my heart has bandages. It's at the stage where surgery is being done and you are awake. Watching not sure how to cover your nakedness because it's not in your hands nor is it under your control that the surgeon recommends that the surgery is done in such a manner.
Not only is your body naked but the inside of you is exposed too, hands move within you, you don't feel pain but you feel cold. It's an interesting experience.
"You have a strong personality ". At first it came as a compliment. I smiled, said thank you and thought to myself wow..... I don't know what that means but its got to be good.
It made me feel good about myself especially coming from someone I admire, someone I look up to. Someone I highly esteem. I have very few of those kinds of people in my life. It made me fearless. My heart would swell with pride just the way my Father tells me I am beautiful and nothing wipes those prints away from my heart. And when my mom says she's proud of me all shackles on my feet fall because I know the people I value believe in me deeply.
I opened my heart out to a few other people given the stable firm foundation from my family background and loved fearlessly, trusted unquestionably because that's what I know how to do. I expressed myself without breaks and became very close to others other than my parents, I guess that gave them a break given the notion "I am a piece of work". These new people became a few of the people that I would call "my person ". I poured my heart into these my people, I fell recklessly, I loved recklessly and I trusted freely. My heart was like a river, flowing endlessly, they held my "secrets" saw me cry several times and then BOOOOOOOOOM! A rock was thrown into this river. They stopped the flow and I wondered what had happened, what I had done, where all this had come from.
I am still in that place, everytime I reached out I was told I was not fine and I needed help. That stung. That stabbed my heart to know the people I highly value and esteem after my parents think I have a problem and they don't want to aid my healing yet they always did.
I don't know what happened.
I probably might never know.
This leaves my heart in that state
Regardless of all that is happening or has happened, I am happy to have my heart still open and not closed and I am glad that I can always learn from this, learn mostly about myself and appreciate my parents for the foundation they have given me.
The healing process has started, and my heart is still open, it has made me realize in me, there is a treasure that lacks in this world, Love. A Love that many have not experienced. A love that is reckless and fearless. A love that stands strong within the waves. A love that will swim through the storm just to reach the others that need Love without condemning those that did not appreciate Love.
Love that lives among humans so strong that it is feared because we feel we do not deserve such Love.
That Love lives in me. That Love is Christ.
The one who was here and is here but not here.
The one who is the Lion and the Lamb. That Love has exposed my heart that wide and still continues to expose it.
That's the Love that has covered my stabbed bandaged heart.
